Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Attachment
I am not the jealous type. I laugh it off when my boyfriend tells me he gets picked up by a GUY at the swimming pool or when he goes on dive trips with attractive females.
But sometimes, an evil litany runs though my head, and I get a gnawing, acidic feeling in my gut. I think it's a defense mechanism when I feel vulnerable and slightly lost, which is what I experience during certain weekends.
But sometimes, an evil litany runs though my head, and I get a gnawing, acidic feeling in my gut. I think it's a defense mechanism when I feel vulnerable and slightly lost, which is what I experience during certain weekends.
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Yet I am numb.
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In the past, I would have told you that I could have gone through life very nicely without celebrations. Celebrations were a bother and a nuisance. Celebrations were mundane, commercialized and meaningless. I just didn't want to fall into the trap of being like everyone else.
Of course, it wasn't always this way. When I was younger, I used to look forward to my birthday with much anticipation. I think the link was broken when I went to secondary school (because my birthday fell well within term time). By the time I finished secondary school, birthdays were no longer a star attraction for me, and this indifference towards my birthday morphed into antipathy.
I had convinced myself that flowers, cake and presents were unnecessary and a waste of money. And like any self-fulfilling prophecy, I didn't celebrate my birthday for a good 8 years and I never got any flowers, cake or presents from the person whom I thought would. Oh, wait a minute... I just realised that my last remark was pretty unfair. I did get flowers from Stephen. He bought me a bouquet of roses when he was guilty. Jerk.
Sorry for digressing. But I just shudder at the thought of what could have been and I'm thankful that it never will be.
Anyway, it wasn't until I met Alvin that I changed my opinion on celebrations. I came to realise that celebrations are times when love, appreciation and gratitude for the people in your life can be expressed.
I'm not saying that I luuurrve celebrations now. I just don't hate them anymore.
However, I still don't appreciate the overpriced restaurants that squeeze in a few extra tables to make the most of the day. I'd rather settle for a simple meal, and it doesn't have to be at someplace special. I still think that flowers are impractical, but the pleasure of receiving them certainly doesn't get old. I'm not being mean here, but I will most certainly laugh at those women who strut around with their bouquet of roses, heart-shaped balloons, teddy bears cradling pillow hearts etc. Seriously, what are you? Still fifteen? Just spare a thought for those poor lonely, dateless folk who have to put up with the outpouring of affection.
On a nother note, this year's celebration was pretty awesome (not that last year's wasn't equally awesome)! I got beautiful sunflowers and a new fuzzy monkey friend from Alvin. He also bought me the most decadent rum and cherry cake from Awfully Chocolate. It was amazingly rich. The fudge was smooth and creamy, with the sponge dense yet neither dry nor stodgy. The rum-soaked cherries added to the moistness and flavour of the cake.
Had my favourite and most sinful butter crab at Melben Seafood, a great karaoke session at KBOX, a surprise birthday cake from Apache Divers, a package of thoughtfulness from Jack in the form of Ngap Keuk Pau (pieces of char siew, duck liver, pork fat, pig's skin and yam nestled within duck feet, wrapped firmly into a bundle with duck intestine and grilled with char siew sauce), and a huge encyclopedia on marine aquariums and fish.
I love turning 26! Now, if only I could only ignore the ticking of my biological clock...
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And like every year, I never could have expected the year to turn out the way it did. Why life does this to us, I don't know. We'll only find out at the end, and that's only if we're lucky enough, and that's only if our lives even make sense.
I've shared my life, also taken it back. Relationships lost, relationships gained. I've enjoyed every moment of 2008, the good and the bad, the tears, shrieks, fears, and glee. Who will stand by my side in 2009? I have some ideas, but no conclusions.
At the end of the day, I don't want to be sitting alone, surrounded by pretty and expensive things, deluding myself that I've had a perfect life with perfect people - perfection doesn't exist, and I dont want to live in an imaginary world. I want to never escape reality, but I want to be able to learn to handle my imperfections gracefully, have beautiful things that actually hold meaning to me, have the love and respect of a few worthy people, and be remembered as someone who did the best she could with the talent she had.
Resolutions? I never make any - I don't make promises that I am not absolutely certain I will keep. I'm vague that way, but also truthful. Empty promises are the cheapest kind of talk. What I hope for is that my natural progression keeps moving the way it does; to hold the dear ones dearer, and the close ones closer. To be independent and remain righteous. To keep that head screwed on right despite the mayhem of the world. Maybe I'll try to get off my ass more and slack less and be less of a couch potato or a sleepaholic; and I am still a hopeless procrastinator. And hopefully I'll learn to remember to count my blessings and be endlessly grateful everyday for the next 365 days for being as blessed as I am with my gifts and the love that surrounds me. I am thankful.
Happy New Year's Eve.
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pumpkinsoupgarlicbreadgermanporkknucklehome-brewedbeerblackangusbeef.
laksasteamboatlycheemalibuduckporridgewaraku.
Always remember
What's real, what's not
And to always count your blessings
Though it's easier said than done...
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I should steel myself.
Care less think less feel less.
There is no room for weakness in this world.
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My thesis was due last Friday, but I actually finished it two days in advance. The old me would have been mugging till the very last minute. When I finally handed it up, I didn't feel a great sense of achievement. It felt more like relief because I could finally shed the 'student' label. All this while, I've adopted the guise of a student and shirked the responsibility of a working adult.
So I must grow up now.
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surprises, people-watching, reading a good book, meeting interesting people, travelling, chocolates, procrastinating, lingerie, cuddling in bed on a rainy day
. : hates :.
weirdos, orange chocolate, cockroaches, lizards, clowns
[weilin]
[liwei]
[yanting]
[go on, confess something]
[vainpots unite]
[because i don't know my ministers]
[time stamps]
Matters
Numb
Celebrations
Dates are merely numbers
Bursting
Sigh
Life is
It has all gone by so quickly
Busy Bee
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